Bare It All Friday!

I'm still debating whether I want to start this series or not. It's been in the works for some time now and I'm hoping, that if I stick with it, it will turn into a link up for the rest of you to participate. I'm keeping it solo right now to see how I feel after opening up to all of you on some of my insecurities, fears, doubts, hopes, and dreams. There is a lot I always want to say or explain about myself, but it comes at a cost. The cost of baring it all to the public. Everyone knowing the inner battles I struggle with is not what frightens me, it's more of the judgmental attitudes and scrutinization some will give.

My hope for this series is that it will allow you all to be inspired to always be honest with yourselves! I find, here in blog land, that many writers portray their lives in a certain light, a very positive light, which I think is great! However, for me every now and then, I'd love to see some raw emotion and honesty. That is what I hope to bring to you who come, read, and support my daily rambles. Life isn't always rainbows and butterflies but what is life without storms and rough seas? It's pretty damn boring would you not agree? 

As you all know, if you frequent here a lot, I have really been "working on my fitness" since January! The age of thirty is right around the corner for me. A little over a year and a half if you want the actual countdown! It's scaring the bejibbas out of me and I am noticing changes everywhere in my body! More cellulite, drooping breasts, flabby underarms, and a slew of other things I find disheartening. It's enough to make me want to go get some nips and tucks that's for sure! {side note: Nip/Tuck? Best show there ever was!}

Ever since I was young {as in early elementary school} I was ALWAYS "chunkier" than my peers! I wouldn't say I was fat, but I had a pooch that would put a beer gut to shame. All my peers?! Yea, they had flat little tummies without an ounce of chub! Just call me a cherub! I'm pretty sure my insecurities started at the age! 

Then there was middle school, where I had to change out for gym, in front of other girls, who were all thinner than me. Granted non of us had boobs or anything of the like to which, I'm pretty sure a rumor was started that I stuffed my bra with scrunchies in the 6th grade! Talk about scared for life?! If I still remember it, obviously it did a number on me way back when. 

Next was high school and of course I was still chubbier than all my friends! I was a base on the cheerleading squad for crying out loud. If that doesn't scream, I'm a "bigger" girl, I don't know what does. Although it did mean I was a "strong bigger girl" so that was a tad bit of a confidence booster! It still didn't help however, when I was called a "fat bitch" by certain mean girls. By the way, bullying has been around for years.. it's nothing new! There should have been anti bullying campaigns 10 years ago! As in middle school, if I can remember it, I still have scars from it! The other worse part about high school? I gained the college freshman 15 my senior year, before I ever went to college! 

My original college experience was a great one. Original as in, I did the whole go off to college for a few years thing, but then I transferred to a college closer to my hometown later and no longer lived on campus or close to campus for that matter. More on that in a different post. My first two years were great and bullies didn't exist, BUT the opinions of young men did! It would sting when a potential date would chose the skinny friend over me! I'm pretty sure that during the Spring of my Sophomore year, after going on a low carb diet and losing 20 pounds, one guy in a drunken stupor told me I was not skinny enough for him. This of course  also being after he lead me on for a few weeks! Luckily as a confidence booster I had other guys who were interested, but of course I ruined all of those because, let's be real...what girl wants to date the nice guy who thinks she's beautiful?! None! At that age, we want the douchebag jerk who tells us we aren't good enough! Oh my, if I could have known what I know now! 

I wish I could say since I started dating my now husband and have gotten married that I am comfortable with my body. Honest truth, I'm not! My hubby tells me I'm beautiful and perfect and wonderful and, well I'll spare you the rest of the mushiness. While I would like to believe it all 100%, I don't! My weight has continuously fluctuated since we've been together! Skinny and confident one year, chubby and down the next. This last year is a chubby down year for me as I just can't make myself feel good about my body or appearance! The last time I felt absolutely flawless was my wedding and honeymoon. Why?! Because I was the skinniest I'd been in a very long time! I had a jawline, neck bones, and my stomach was the flattest I think I had EVER seen it. How'd I get to that point?! I took over seas diet pills that you could only order online and that were probably really dangerous for my health. Why not take them again?! 1. I did, you can now get them in the states but the formula has changed to make them legal in the US, and they didn't work. 2. I know that's not the solution for long term healthy living! 

Long term healthy living is my ultimate goal but I do want to lose weight! I know exercise isn't the only way and that diet plays a HUGE role as well! While I haven't turned every meal into rabbit food, I am slowly making some changes! My love for food is a constant battle. I just want to get to where I was 2 years ago! I was happy with my body and how I felt in a swim suit! Now I'm embarrassed to even think about putting one on! I've lost my sexy and I need to bring it back! Even when I did have my sexy back I knew I wasn't as small as my friends and always held on tight to those insecurities when they were around. I still do! I don't know if I will ever truly rid myself of my weight insecurities, if I will ever truly think my body is attractive. Maybe if I went from Carrie Underwood American Idol days to Carrie Underwood now I would love my body, but let's be real, the girl works out like six hours every day! That's unrealistic for my schedule! 

I wanted to share this with you all because it is a very large insecurity that I posses and to let you know that if you feel this way too, you are not alone! I very much feel a lone as many people I know either, lose weight very easily or just don't talk about their insecurities of it! One reason I don't speak much of it is because I don't want to hurt other peoples feelings! There are bigger gals than me who suffer these same insecurities and may look at me like I'm crazy for feeling this way! I know when thinner girls than me talk about themselves being "fat" it makes me want to slap them across the face! HOWEVER, I have to remind myself that we are our own worst critics! I can't judge a thinner girl for having the same insecurity about her body as I have. Just as a larger girl shouldn't judge me for my insecruity. Either way, I wanted you all to know that I am here to listen or offer advice or to be an accountability partner for your workout routine! Support is one of the best ways to reach a mighty goal! 

I really do appreciate y'all reading my blog! It is my goal to help make women feel empowered and stronger as females, individuals, and spouses {married or not} one honest bare boned post at a time!! Thank you for reading today and have a glorious weekend!!! XOXO!