Legit Fear!

 I realize that Friday I hinted that I would explain why I had such a long annoyance of a week, however, when I sat down to write about it I couldn't pin point the problem. Instead I've decided I would share one of my deepest fears with you today. I think it's only normal for us to have fears, but is it normal to have those fears exist in your everyday living? No. I don't think it's normal to allow fears to inhibit you from living life daily. One thing I admire most about small children is they really seem to have NO FEAR! I want no more than to be able to live my life as so. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening anytime soon!

You see, I seriously fear being raped and murdered. I don't laugh at this fear at all. It really is a legit fear I have. I lose sleep over it. I fear for my safety when I am home alone or out in public alone. I constantly think of ways to escape in my home if someone was to break in. I contemplate ways to scream if I am in public to catch someones attention. I think about how fast I could outrun someone and for how long I could keep running. When out alone I am constantly looking over my shoulder, especially if I pass only one other person {this happens most often when I am out walking and getting exercise}. Even in a parking garage at the mall I am on high alert and my mind races with ideas of what I would do if someone were to attack me!

This fear keeps me awake at night, even when my hubby and pup are sleeping next to me! Sometimes I'll hear a noise and then continue to hear odd noises, creaks, cracks, moans and groans. At times it'll take me hours to fall asleep! Other times after the hubby leaves for work at 3 a.m. {if I wake up when he leaves} I'll hear a noise and won't be able to fall back asleep! This doesn't happen every night but it happens at least a few times a month. Nothing has ever happened in our neighborhood to make me feel unsafe so I am really unsure why I am constantly in fear of it happening to me!

This is not a fear that has developed in recent years. I remember growing up in my parent's home and being terrified if I was there by myself. The house sits in the country, on seven acres of land, with a quarter of a mile drive way that winds into the woods. When I was younger and usually baby sitting my little sister or home alone I would close every blind in the house and usually barricade us upstairs in the playroom. I would literally run to the bathroom and turn ALL of the lights on in the house. When my sister was at the age where she was too young to run fast but too heavy to carry for a long distance I would create "get away plans" if someone were to break into our house. I would think of where I could possibly hide her so I could run for help and I would devise several different routes on how to get outside and to the nearest neighbors house. To this day I still get uneasy when I am outside in the dark at my mom's home.

I'm actually really embarrassed by this fear or at least talking about it to the public. I mean, I've never even really talked about it with my hubby! I suppose I think others would assume I am losing my marbles! I've also wondered if I should talk to a professional about this fear! I don't want to live my life scared and constantly looking over my shoulder or staring at the bedroom door shaking because I think someone is walking up my stairs {sounds completely nuts right?}! I don't even like showering at home alone because of this fear and if I do, I usually talk to Baby Reef to drown out the made up noises I think I hear.

I feel scared a lot. When the hubby is out of town, I usually stay up till the wee hours of the morning until I am so tired I know I'll completely pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow. I also keep the television on to distract me from any noises I may hear or think I may hear. I constantly double and triple check the door locks and window locks. I sleep with a baseball bat under the bed. When writing all of this out, I seriously feel like I may be losing it... just a bit! I'm not sure if it comes from watching too many news stories on raped and murdered woman or television specials on the same kinds of stories, but one thing is for sure, I usually DON'T watch programs like that. I avoid the news as much as possible but I can't avoid it totally, that's not possible!

I really do wonder if I should talk to my doctor about this. If maybe I need to be on some kind of anxiety medication, but I hate the sound of that! I hate the thought of being off my rocker! I know I can't be the only one with a legit fear like this. What are your mechanisms for coping?! Feel free to leave a comment about what you are terrified of and if it would make you feel better, leave it anonymously! If I can use this blog to help someone feel that they are not alone than I've done my job and if I can find ways to cope with my fear, well it's a win win situation!