Monday, January 28, 2013

Legit Fear!

 I realize that Friday I hinted that I would explain why I had such a long annoyance of a week, however, when I sat down to write about it I couldn't pin point the problem. Instead I've decided I would share one of my deepest fears with you today. I think it's only normal for us to have fears, but is it normal to have those fears exist in your everyday living? No. I don't think it's normal to allow fears to inhibit you from living life daily. One thing I admire most about small children is they really seem to have NO FEAR! I want no more than to be able to live my life as so. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening anytime soon!


You see, I seriously fear being raped and murdered. I don't laugh at this fear at all. It really is a legit fear I have. I lose sleep over it. I fear for my safety when I am home alone or out in public alone. I constantly think of ways to escape in my home if someone was to break in. I contemplate ways to scream if I am in public to catch someones attention. I think about how fast I could outrun someone and for how long I could keep running. When out alone I am constantly looking over my shoulder, especially if I pass only one other person {this happens most often when I am out walking and getting exercise}. Even in a parking garage at the mall I am on high alert and my mind races with ideas of what I would do if someone were to attack me!

This fear keeps me awake at night, even when my hubby and pup are sleeping next to me! Sometimes I'll hear a noise and then continue to hear odd noises, creaks, cracks, moans and groans. At times it'll take me hours to fall asleep! Other times after the hubby leaves for work at 3 a.m. {if I wake up when he leaves} I'll hear a noise and won't be able to fall back asleep! This doesn't happen every night but it happens at least a few times a month. Nothing has ever happened in our neighborhood to make me feel unsafe so I am really unsure why I am constantly in fear of it happening to me!

This is not a fear that has developed in recent years. I remember growing up in my parent's home and being terrified if I was there by myself. The house sits in the country, on seven acres of land, with a quarter of a mile drive way that winds into the woods. When I was younger and usually baby sitting my little sister or home alone I would close every blind in the house and usually barricade us upstairs in the playroom. I would literally run to the bathroom and turn ALL of the lights on in the house. When my sister was at the age where she was too young to run fast but too heavy to carry for a long distance I would create "get away plans" if someone were to break into our house. I would think of where I could possibly hide her so I could run for help and I would devise several different routes on how to get outside and to the nearest neighbors house. To this day I still get uneasy when I am outside in the dark at my mom's home.


I'm actually really embarrassed by this fear or at least talking about it to the public. I mean, I've never even really talked about it with my hubby! I suppose I think others would assume I am losing my marbles! I've also wondered if I should talk to a professional about this fear! I don't want to live my life scared and constantly looking over my shoulder or staring at the bedroom door shaking because I think someone is walking up my stairs {sounds completely nuts right?}! I don't even like showering at home alone because of this fear and if I do, I usually talk to Baby Reef to drown out the made up noises I think I hear.

I feel scared a lot. When the hubby is out of town, I usually stay up till the wee hours of the morning until I am so tired I know I'll completely pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow. I also keep the television on to distract me from any noises I may hear or think I may hear. I constantly double and triple check the door locks and window locks. I sleep with a baseball bat under the bed. When writing all of this out, I seriously feel like I may be losing it... just a bit! I'm not sure if it comes from watching too many news stories on raped and murdered woman or television specials on the same kinds of stories, but one thing is for sure, I usually DON'T watch programs like that. I avoid the news as much as possible but I can't avoid it totally, that's not possible!

I really do wonder if I should talk to my doctor about this. If maybe I need to be on some kind of anxiety medication, but I hate the sound of that! I hate the thought of being off my rocker! I know I can't be the only one with a legit fear like this. What are your mechanisms for coping?! Feel free to leave a comment about what you are terrified of and if it would make you feel better, leave it anonymously! If I can use this blog to help someone feel that they are not alone than I've done my job and if I can find ways to cope with my fear, well it's a win win situation!






10 comments:

  1. Fear and anxiety are both VERY REAL feelings and you are already taking control of your fears by publicly addressing them!I started having anxiety a few years ago after a very tough personal situation (it's called situational anxiety) and what I have found is the best cure is to be vocal about my fears. Talk to your husband and friends...say them outloud and address the thoughts running in your head...you can drive yourself crazy! trust me, i know! I saw a therapist (and would highly recommend it, regardless of this specific situation! it's so wonderful to have a 3rd party perspective...) and she told me to talk outloud, sing, hum --- it keeps your thoughts controlled and focused on the specific task of talking, singing..etc. Telling your husband about your fears lets you be vulnerable to them so that you can move on from them, sometimes I just need to say to my husband, 'hey babe, I'm just feeling a little anxious today.' just so he knows and he'll send me a sweet text or call to make sure I'm ok. If being home alone is your trigger -- look into an alarm system, although I bet your Baby Reef would do anything to protect his momma, and see if having that layer of protection would calm some of your fears. You should know that it's totally normal to have a heightened sense of awareness when you're by yourself -- especially as a woman. It would concern me if a woman out walking wasn't super aware of her surroundings! Keep your head up, you seem to have a great sense of self-awareness, but I would encourage you to chat with your support system - they can be of more help than you realize!

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  2. I feel like I do that too when I'm by myself. I also freak out when I'm stopped at a stop light- I'm afraid I'm going to get shot in a drive by shooting. May seem crazy but it's true!

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  3. I have similar fears and I don't like to talk about them either. You are NOT alone! I do take a lot of comfort in scripture too. I also pray that God sends angels to protect me and my family and then I actually imagine the angel (big, tall, with HUGE wings) standing outside my door. I imagine that would be more than enough to scare the life out of any would-be attacker and it helps me a lot.

    It's funny how all the noises that you hear at night are always present during the day, but you usually have ambient noise that prevents you from hearing it. Maybe a noise machine would help you at night? I would definitely look into an alarm system. I think that might help you a lot. It would be terrifying to wake up to it alarming, but statistically intruders will RUN at the sound of an alarm because they know their chances of getting caught just increased exponentially. In fact, I've even read that having one of those little signs in your front yard (like an ADT sign) can deter intrusions whether or not you have a system actually installed.

    Only you can decide if your fears are serious enough to talk to a doctor. I have had the thought of anti-anxiety medication too, but definitely shy away from it. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

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  4. Thank you for sharing this. Fear is something that I struggle with a lot. I've become less of a chicken as I've gotten older but I just know I could never live alone and whenever my roommates are out of town I battle similar fears of someone breaking into my house. I blame an over-active imagination and too much law and order svu. My bedroom is in the basement level of our house and it has a sliding door directly to the outside which I keep double bolted and have two bars across. If I let myself get carried away I also find myself forming escape plans or thinking of where I could hide or what I could use to defend myself. I always fall asleep with the tv on (usually Friends- it calms me).

    I've learned that when I start feeling fearful or paranoid I just have to call upon the Lord and He reminds me how great and powerful He is. ("The LORD is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1). I'm hoping that one day when I have children I am strong and brave and fearless for them.

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  5. You're definately not alone. I have a fear and get really bad anxiety when I know I'm going to be home alone or have to go out in public alone. I've had this fear since I was young as well. I remember never wanting to go to bed and if I had to get up in the middle of the night I would run to the bathroom and turn on every light I could find. Now that I'm grown I still feel myself tense up all the time over the thought of being alone. My guy and I live in the country.. our closest neighbor is about half a mile down the road, our house is surrounded by trees. Chris is on shift work and every other month he works nights, which means he leaves the house at 6pm and doesn't get home until about 9am the next morning. I get off work at 6pm which means I have to go home by myself and be home alone all night. It completely freaks me out... to the point where I went and took some defensive tactics classes & concealed carry classes and got my permit to carry a handgun. I an go on and on about this.. but just know that it is not an unusual fear and that you're not alone.

    ~ Ashley @ Horseshoes & Pearls

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  6. I've figured out that you should NEVER be embarrassed by your fears! I was diagnosed with anxiety in 2009 and only recently have I figured out that it is mostly caused by my fear of failure. My legit fear that I will never be enough. Enough for my job, my husband, my friends, my family. I haven't talked to a psychiatrist, but I have been prescribed meds (which I don't take because it makes me feel like a failure! bah!)...you see, even though your fear and mine are so different, they're both similar because they're both vicious circles.

    I would consider talking to your pastor, or hey, even some couples counseling...for the soul purpose of having your hubby there to hear your true thoughts and get feedback on how he can help you through it! :)

    You aren't alone girlfriend!!

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  7. I can understand everything you said in this post. Everything you mentioned I am completely terrified of and anxiety-ridden about.
    Soon after having my son in September 2011, it got really bad and I had to be put on medication.
    It was a depression medicine and I was diagnosed with post partum depression. But it was more like anxiety and fear that overwhelmed me to the point of depression. I decided, for personal reasons to come off of it in May of 2011 but I absolutely have to stay away from any of the shows on tv about murder/crime, etc. (and my husband watches them all) if I even catch a glimpse of one of these shows, my night becomes full of anxious thoughts about people breaking in and what could ensue thereafter.
    My husband knows I have these fears but doesn't understand them cos he's not afraid of anything.
    I recently had to change my running course cos the old one is a highly wooded trail and I just freaked myself out too much wondering when someone was going to jump out and rape or murder me.
    Please let me know if you do talk to a doctor/therapist about this. I just made the comment to my mom this morning, "I hate living my life in irrational fear"
    I, too, just want to know how to turn it off. :(
    Thanks for sharing!!

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  8. You my friend are NOT alone:) Check your email!

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  9. I have this same fear, but more so of just being killed. I imagaine ways to avoid a bad car crash if I'm driving or ways to use self defense if I'm walking for whatever reason at night. I used to watch a lot of horror movies (Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers) and would imagine those scenarios even though I know they are not real, still something like that could happen in my mind. I think it would be a good idea to talk with someone, I talk with my husband.

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  10. Girl...I feel like every woman has anxiety these days. Myself included. And I am totally not afraid to take a Xanax that was prescribed to me if I need one. I am not ashamed anymore because EVERYONE struggles with it and everyone handles fear and anxiety differently. I struggle with being completely OCD and freaking out if things aren't in order and I also struggle with feeling like I am never good enough or doing enough. Talk to your doctor. I promise, it will make you feel better. Even just having that weight off your chest and knowing there is someone there to just listen and offer options is the best feeling. Feel free to email me anytime. And talk to your husband. Part of my anxiety was trying to hide it from mine for fear of judgement or rejection. I feel so much better when he sees me freaking out and hands me a a "Xany" as we call them. HAHA! Kisses!
    -Taylor
    PS...really good post. I seriously think every girl will appreciate this.

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