Thursday, June 21, 2012

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You!

A few weeks ago I was running through my normal blog reads and came across an inspiring post by Jill at Dirty Water, Dirty South! I know I’ve shared with y'all about how I want my readers to know me inside and out. Know my strengths and weaknesses, know what makes me tick and what simply ticks me off, and know that I am as honest as they come! I think I have done well so far! You learned here, at my guest post on Blabbering Thoughts, that my past was a bit bumpy. You’ve read often how unhappy I have been at my place of employment. You even found out last week that my sweet hubby got sick on our wedding day! Y'all obviously would never know any of this if I didn’t share it with you! Well I’m here to share more, unveiling some of my fears and insecurities. Fears that haunt me, inhibit me, and push me.

 ~ I’m fearful that in 20 years my husband will wake one day and leave me. I’ve seen this happen with my own two eyes. With a simple explanation of “I’m not in love with you anymore” my stepfather of 16 years left my mother one morning and never looked back. For 16 years I watched him love Jesus, love my mother, he loved me, and they had and loved my sister, but one day it all changed, an abrupt surprising slap in the face. I am terrified that one day my own sweet dear husband will wake and say those same hurtful words to me. We’ve always said if things were to EVER get to that point we will and would have discussed it and fixed it before it could ever escalate to that actual point. But there is still that fear. I mean my momma and stepfather never thought their marriage would end, especially not in such a heartbreaking way. So what would/could prevent my own husband from changing his mind 20 some years later?!

~ I’m fearful that I will never be as successful as I have the potential to be. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a smart gal. I’m extremely driven, dedicated, hard working, blah blah blah {y'all know the rest}. I like the lifestyle we live and hope one day that it can be even better than what it is now. However, I’m fearful that I’ll never make it. That I’ll never move up the corporate ladder to a position where eventually I won’t have to live paycheck to paycheck. I’m scared I will fail at being a successful independent working woman and that I will be stuck in the same spot for the rest of my life.

~ I’m fearful of becoming a mother. As much as I want to become a mother it scares me to death. Just being a puppy momma {which has given me a tiny glimpse into motherhood} has scared me! Being responsible for a human being, holy shit, that’s a crazy insane responsibility to take on in my opinion. I see kids today and want to slap their parent’s silly for the way their children behave. They are so rude to adults, to other children, and don’t even get me started on how they turn out as teenagers and then young adults! I mean, what {even if our parenting is the way it is “supposed” to be} if my children turn out to be those asshole kids?! The ones you hear yelling at their own parents, or bullying other children or God forbid even the ones who turn into mass murderers?! I mean seriously you can do everything right in the book and your child still turn out nuts! That scares the pure living daylights out of me! Simply put, I’m afraid I’ll fail as a mother in raising a respectful, smart, beautiful child.

~ I’m fearful in trusting people. I am an open book and will tell you anything you want to know {for the most part} but as far as trusting you with what I share with you, I don’t. Therefore I pick and chose wisely what I say and share with others because I don’t trust what they will say and share about it with the next person. I blame this on being burned too many times. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I love a WHOLE lot, and I would do just about ANYTHING for ANYONE, but trusting folks, not so much. I’m tired of being burned and this allows me to protect myself but it also can hinder relationships and I know that’s a problem.

~ I’m fearful of having my home broken into and being murder. It could be that I have a wild imagination, that I watch too much news, or read too many online articles about all the crazy crap happening in our world. People robbing people, people killing people, and now we can add people eating people to the list {WTF?!}. It gets to the point where I double check locks and windows in the house even though we actually live in a safe neighborhood and nothing has ever occurred to make me think otherwise. If I hear a funny noise {which I probably made up in my head} I panic and pull the sheets over my head and pray that my playful pup and half dead sleeping husband will protect me from an intruder, but because I sleep closest to the door, I’ll be the first they knock off. This “freak out” can last between 20 minutes to three hours. Yes, three hours of staring at the doorway of our bedroom, heart pounding in my ears, listening for any crash, bangs, or booms. Maybe I’m on my way to the loony bin, who knows, but it is a legit fear of mine.

So yes my lovely readers, I am only human after all! I have fears, some serious legit fears, some not so legit but they are all my fears. I struggle with them often and hope and pray that one day I can over come all of them! I hope by sharing them with y'all, it will inspire you to look more inward to your own fears and began trying to over come them as well!

Hope y'all are having a Terrific Thursday {Sorrrrry, I had to say it, considering all the seriousness I just wrote about}! One more day till the weekend! Hope everyone is staying cool and hydrated as well! It’s been quite hot in our neck of the woods!!!



  1. I can relate to every single thing you've written here. Life is scary, being an adult is hard. I wish I'd enjoyed childhood more, before those same fears had entered my mind, haha! Have a great day!

  2. I have the exact same fears as 3 of these - not being as successful as I know I could be, becoming a mother, and getting my house broken into and murdered. You phrased all three of these perfectly and I couldn't say them better myself!! I have another one to add to the children one - I am scared I will have a kid that is a nerd that gets picked on. I really hope that doesn't sound too bad - but it would just be heart breaking and would kill me to see. :( I'm glad we're bloggy friends! I wish we were in real life!!! :)

  3. props to you for sharing these! i have had a fear of divorce for a long time {long before i even met my hubby}. i don't think i have anything to worry about, but something about that idea just scares me to the bone.

    i wish i still had some of the childhood innocence that kept me from a lot of these same worries. i guess it all means that we're getting older! :(

  4. O girl, I am scared shitless to have a child for all of the same reasons. What if I am a terrible mother? Or what if they are destined to be crazy regardless of my perfect parenting? Or what if something is wrong with them? Holy cow. It is so scary.

    As for your episodes thinking someone is going to get you at night, I do the same exact thing! Maybe we will be in the loony bin together :)

  5. oh man, the "holy shit I'm a mother" thing ... no joke. I'm there too. I agree, the puppy thing is enough to make me think long and hard about having an actual child to care for. but, they all say it ... your instincts help you through it ... and you just do it. and when the time comes, you'll be amazing!

  6. I love reading your blog for this here reason, you are so real to everyone and I love that. You are going to make a great mother one day!

    Also I tagged you in a post

  7. I have some of the same real fears as you, and they can be paralyzing if you let them. Way to go for being so brave to acknowledge and share them with us. <3

  8. I think your fears are totally legit and normal! I have issues with becoming a mother and not living up to my work potential too. But I just try to do my best and hopefully that's enough. It's hard not to be consumed with fear soemtimes. I also worry about Skye deciding to leave me one day, I think that's one reason I've wanted to wait so long to get married to him.

  9. Ahhhh I love you! Ok first off my worst fear is getting murdered. I watch so many 48hrs I'm a freak about it!!! Second do not think your hubby is going to wake up & leave you! That is awful & to be honest if he does he wasn't good enough for you then in the first I'll come kick his ass...never under estimate the power of a small pissed of girl haha! And you know I feel you on the trust issue. It's so hard bc we have been burned so many times. Do you know my new years resolution was to not make any new friends bc every time I seem to do that & open myself up to them they backstabbing me in the end. It's a sick world. Great post!

  10. Just found your blog through Kelly, and I must say, I love what I'm reading. New follower!

    I also have a fear of my future husband deciding he doesn't want to be with me anymore. At least hearing it from someone else makes me feel a little more normal! Like you, I watched my "sperm donor" do it to my mom and I don't think I could handle it if it happened to me.