Things I'm Afraid to Tell You!

A few weeks ago I was running through my normal blog reads and came across an inspiring post by Jill at Dirty Water, Dirty South! I know I’ve shared with y'all about how I want my readers to know me inside and out. Know my strengths and weaknesses, know what makes me tick and what simply ticks me off, and know that I am as honest as they come! I think I have done well so far! You learned here, at my guest post on Blabbering Thoughts, that my past was a bit bumpy. You’ve read often how unhappy I have been at my place of employment. You even found out last week that my sweet hubby got sick on our wedding day! Y'all obviously would never know any of this if I didn’t share it with you! Well I’m here to share more, unveiling some of my fears and insecurities. Fears that haunt me, inhibit me, and push me.

 ~ I’m fearful that in 20 years my husband will wake one day and leave me. I’ve seen this happen with my own two eyes. With a simple explanation of “I’m not in love with you anymore” my stepfather of 16 years left my mother one morning and never looked back. For 16 years I watched him love Jesus, love my mother, he loved me, and they had and loved my sister, but one day it all changed, an abrupt surprising slap in the face. I am terrified that one day my own sweet dear husband will wake and say those same hurtful words to me. We’ve always said if things were to EVER get to that point we will and would have discussed it and fixed it before it could ever escalate to that actual point. But there is still that fear. I mean my momma and stepfather never thought their marriage would end, especially not in such a heartbreaking way. So what would/could prevent my own husband from changing his mind 20 some years later?!

~ I’m fearful that I will never be as successful as I have the potential to be. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a smart gal. I’m extremely driven, dedicated, hard working, blah blah blah {y'all know the rest}. I like the lifestyle we live and hope one day that it can be even better than what it is now. However, I’m fearful that I’ll never make it. That I’ll never move up the corporate ladder to a position where eventually I won’t have to live paycheck to paycheck. I’m scared I will fail at being a successful independent working woman and that I will be stuck in the same spot for the rest of my life.

~ I’m fearful of becoming a mother. As much as I want to become a mother it scares me to death. Just being a puppy momma {which has given me a tiny glimpse into motherhood} has scared me! Being responsible for a human being, holy shit, that’s a crazy insane responsibility to take on in my opinion. I see kids today and want to slap their parent’s silly for the way their children behave. They are so rude to adults, to other children, and don’t even get me started on how they turn out as teenagers and then young adults! I mean, what {even if our parenting is the way it is “supposed” to be} if my children turn out to be those asshole kids?! The ones you hear yelling at their own parents, or bullying other children or God forbid even the ones who turn into mass murderers?! I mean seriously you can do everything right in the book and your child still turn out nuts! That scares the pure living daylights out of me! Simply put, I’m afraid I’ll fail as a mother in raising a respectful, smart, beautiful child.

~ I’m fearful in trusting people. I am an open book and will tell you anything you want to know {for the most part} but as far as trusting you with what I share with you, I don’t. Therefore I pick and chose wisely what I say and share with others because I don’t trust what they will say and share about it with the next person. I blame this on being burned too many times. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I love a WHOLE lot, and I would do just about ANYTHING for ANYONE, but trusting folks, not so much. I’m tired of being burned and this allows me to protect myself but it also can hinder relationships and I know that’s a problem.

~ I’m fearful of having my home broken into and being murder. It could be that I have a wild imagination, that I watch too much news, or read too many online articles about all the crazy crap happening in our world. People robbing people, people killing people, and now we can add people eating people to the list {WTF?!}. It gets to the point where I double check locks and windows in the house even though we actually live in a safe neighborhood and nothing has ever occurred to make me think otherwise. If I hear a funny noise {which I probably made up in my head} I panic and pull the sheets over my head and pray that my playful pup and half dead sleeping husband will protect me from an intruder, but because I sleep closest to the door, I’ll be the first they knock off. This “freak out” can last between 20 minutes to three hours. Yes, three hours of staring at the doorway of our bedroom, heart pounding in my ears, listening for any crash, bangs, or booms. Maybe I’m on my way to the loony bin, who knows, but it is a legit fear of mine.

So yes my lovely readers, I am only human after all! I have fears, some serious legit fears, some not so legit but they are all my fears. I struggle with them often and hope and pray that one day I can over come all of them! I hope by sharing them with y'all, it will inspire you to look more inward to your own fears and began trying to over come them as well!

Hope y'all are having a Terrific Thursday {Sorrrrry, I had to say it, considering all the seriousness I just wrote about}! One more day till the weekend! Hope everyone is staying cool and hydrated as well! It’s been quite hot in our neck of the woods!!!

XoXo,